Monday, July 14, 2003

"Why not Love?"
another rant by Michael Sherrillo

What is wrong with wanting to be loved? In life, if you want to be rich and go after money, you’re ambitious. If you seek new lands or search for new frontiers, you’re an explorer or pioneer. But if you search for love, you’re desperate. Why is it okay to passionately search and pursue anything we want except for passion? We all just assume love will come to us, will find us... I can't even count how many times I've heard someone say "You find love when you’re not looking for it". Bullshit. If said I don't go out and work trying to make money and instead just expected it to come to me, or said money will "find me when I least expect it" you would think I am the laziest person alive. Why is love any different?
I want love, I want passion. I remember the first time I saw Moulin Rouge (the new version) and in the very beginning the saying "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return". That will always be my favorite part of the movie, because it struck such a strong chord with me. I've always believed that I could do anything, be anything, and it wouldn't matter to me, as long as I had someone who I could love with all my heart, and who loved me also. So instead of focusing on a career to make me happy, money, success, fame... I focused on love. Which apparently is, out of all the available choices, the only one that I'm not supposed to look for. Lucky me.
But none of this does me any good. Because despite all the time I’ve spent studing love, and by extension women, and with all that I’ve learned and know about them, ultimately I believe I need to act like myself, and that is the one thing which no girl seems to like. Just plain ol’ me. Which I am slowly learning to accept. I've given in to the pattern of like and loss that have become just another constant faucet of my life like the eternal rise and fall of the tides or wax and wane of the moon. There is some correlation (in psych, this is a -1 correlation) to how much I like or am interested in someone to how little interest they have in me. I.E. the more attracted I act to you, the less attracted you will be to me.
All I want is to find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them... someone who cares about me as much as I do them. I am so sick of one-sided people who don't care enough to put any effort or to invest themselves in any way. To love, and be loved in return...
And while I'm at it, why do we need all this game playing, safety device, emotional parachutes, and rules? Why can't a person just be open and honest and why does that frighten so many people?
Does this rant lead anywhere? Not really, nor is there any specific point. Just the conclusion that I will die alone... without loving, and without being loved.

No comments: