"Why I Could Never Be Gay" or, "Why I Understand Lesbianism"
a musing, by Michael Sherrillo
Humor. A very normal and essential part of human nature, to laugh, and love laughing. And why shouldn't we? Haven't myriad studies been conducted on the health benefits of a jolly guffaw, or the biochemical endorphins and relaxing drugs released into our bodies with every twitter? Of course, so my frustration lies not in the problems of humor, but rather in what subjects it is that we tend to find humorous. Let me illustrate... there is a quite room filled with people, everyone concentrating on his or her tasks. Suddenly, punctuating the silence, someone farts. Many a disgusted look will appear on the faces of those nearby, even before the odor, if any, arrives. But if careful attention is played, you will notice on almost every male face a slight snicker, the hidden attempt to not smile or laugh. Maybe this is a genetic trait carried by our genes, but ever sine our first days in preschool, to the male gender, farts, burps, and other bodily noises have been an endless reservoir of untapped potential humor. The male fascination in the disgusting extends on into adult life to include bathroom jokes, sexual puns, limericks that would make a sailor blush, and other entries into the physically repulsive. I cannot even count the number of times I've seen men intentionally fart on others, burp in their friends or girlfriends faces, and run away laughing hysterically. Unfortunately this trait seems dominant in our whole gender, as statistically accurate as any other number pulled out of... well you know, can be, I'd estimate approximately 30% of men actually participate in these crude instances. While 90% percent of men laugh at them and find them funny.
Now, I think, in a non-homosexual context, that the male figure can be very attractive. (Though sexual organs of either gender I believe are rather repulsive looking) I can understand how many great Greek statues and sculptors have shown great examples of mans physical perfection immortalized in stone, bronze, and marble. I also know now why so many of them don't have heads, or are only of the upper torso. Because this perfect model which the sculptor was using probably spent the whole time standing their farting and burping! I can only imagine what a laughing stock of Athens the artist would be if with perfect proportions, lean and slender form, high forehead, godlike nose, chiseled chin, arching cheekbones... and mouth half open and grinning frozen as he passed the time trying to burp the alphabit, an imaginary belch of noxious fumes ripping forever silently through the museums air. This is probably half the reason I like girls so much (ther other being hopefully obvious). I’ve never had a girlfriend who while studying with friends would run over, moon me, and fart in my face, and scamper away giggling (I've had all to many male friends however who have [BUSTER!]). I'll never understand how men can like other men. Maybe as friends this kind of behavior is acceptable... but as a boyfriend? How romantic… after a beer he emits a loud belch and then would call me over for a kiss... my gag reflex is instantly triggered by the very though. This is also why lesbians make so much since... if you consider their crude habits and personalities (or rather lack their of), there really isn’t all that much attractive about guys in the first place! If women didn’t need us to make offspring, our whole gender would have died off eons ago! The Amazons had the right idea, though I thinks it's a good thing men were in control so the movement didn't spread too much or I wouldn't even be here! And for all you straight girls... I am so very sorry. I'm sure you know what rude obnoxious creations us men can be. And I have that much more respect for you for putting up with it, for our species sake. Though I now know why you always silently hope for a little girl. And frankly, so do I.