Sunday, August 04, 2002

"What Women Want"
by Michael Sherrillo

Authors note: after my previous article, "Women!" I spent much time/effort polling, studying, and pondering my predicament, and have come to these conclusions about the opposite sex.

I, like many nice guys before me, having often wondered on a datless saturday night, why do girls keep complaining that there are no nice guys out there when clearly I'm right here? I've heard many a nice guy also rant and rave about our hopeless predicament because the girls who keep wanting nice guys keep dating assholes. We all know the stories and have read the Dear Abby articles, but I, unlike my fellow nice guys, have successfully crossed over. I am and will always be a nice guy, but to succeed in this dating game, you must also be a little crafty. After years of painstaking research and field studdy, I have successfully deciphered what it is women truly want... a challenge. It's all very simple... if you already cook, clean, are nice, chivilrous, successful, kind, funny, and loving... why would a girl want to be with you, your missing the key element that all assholes secretly have... mystery and sexiness. You must learn to be a sheep in wolf's clothing. Women want to be able to say, I had this great wild sexy man, and it was wonderful, but then I took him, tamed him, and made him settler down and become also the perfect husband and father. Girls want a diamond in the ruff. So, be chivilrous and successful, those are the key elements... if your not chivilrous and happy/successful, no girl will want you for more than a one night stand at a cheap motel. Everthing else is just DONT"S. Don't call a lot... it sends clear signals of desperation, which is neither mysterious nor sexy. Don't NOT call when you said you would, building up hope and then crushing her spirit will fill her with disappointment and hurt and will only embitter her and turn her into the much feared wackadoo, commonly know as psychotic and/or stalker. (depending on your regional dialect) Don't forget to learn everthing you can about female anatomy, being good at oral sex will more than compensates for any physical... shortcommings *wink wink*. Don't jump into a relationship or sex... nothing will make her want you more than making her wait a little to get it. And finally, don't change to quickly. Reveal your depth and true nature slowly, her learning what a great catch you are should happen like peeling layers off an onion, not chopping open a watermelon. If there is one thing I cannot stress enough, it is go slow! Take your time with everthing, make her want it before you do anything, weither it's telling or showing her your feelings, calling, or sex... This is the key. This is what all assholes have that we don't, their stupidity allows them to just not care. Women are attracted to that. If I knew why, I wouldn't be a scientist, I would be god. Though I believe god is a man, so I doubt even he truly knows what he created. All I can say beyond that is... good luck, fellow sheep.

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