Saturday, November 12, 2005

by Michael Sherrillo
So, I haven’t really dated in almost a year and a half. So finding myself newly single, I feel a little lost. I used to have this stuff down, what to say, how to act, what to do and be… but right now I’m just so confused. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I met someone, and I’m more than a little sprung, which is fine, but she knows it, which is “okay”, but I’ve actually told her that, which isn’t. I just can’t keep my mouth shut, it’s like cool-confident-ladies-man-Mike has been replaced by nervious anxious high school teenager in first relationship. I’m just worried because I like this girl, a lot, which is kind of scary in its own right since I’m just getting over being burned. But I’m trying to ditch the emotional baggage I feel it left me with, and just live in the present and in the moment. But everything in my life is so ridiculously fucked up. I know I would be freaked out if I met someone and they bombarded me with all this stuff (jail, just out of long term relationship, “donating”, broke[stupid X], etc…) so the fact that she hasn’t bolted makes me think that there is something pretty incredible about this chick. I mean, a simple compare/contrast explains it… with over a year of history and support, my X bailed on me in this situation, wheras this girl barley knows me, has to deal with all this, and is totally okay with it.
Tangent, I didn’t even think about it till now, but on Tues. night, I was standing outside having a cigarette, and the moon had just risen and next to it was the first star. So, being the hopeless romantic, I did the little star light, star bright… and wished to just find that person who is out there for me. Well, no car pulled up that minuet and no tall dark female stranger walked by, so I dejectedly walked back inside. But the very next night…
So where am I with all this? I don’t know… I feel bad for my roomate, P. though. P. has been the third wheele with me for so long, I feel like I owe him some quality guy bonding time… so I think that I want to keep things “title free” till Feb. 14th. I will not have a relationship before Valentines day. This is also out of respect for myself, I want to give me some “me time” to just remember who I am and what it is that makes me happy, and also for whoever I might be seeing at that time (though, confessionally, I hope it’s S., but I don’t want to get my hopes up, things are so new and I really can’t afford to be any more hurt right now… a part of me is just so damn fragile…). And, now I have to go back to jail for the night… maybe a good nights sleep will help me straighten my head out. 36 worst-scenario days to go… who knows, maybe I’ll actually make it (and maybe S. will make it with me?…) Only time will tell, and that’s the one thing I have plenty of.

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