"What it is to be Male"
a observational rant, by Michael Sherrillo
I've had a revelation recently, it all stemmed from very simple observation; Guys smell. Now, as I recently found out, this isn't a secret, but at the time I didn't know. I should explain by saying that I live on a guy’s floor in a dorm. And as I walked down the hall recently to my room, my nose was assaulted by the most noxious and repulsive mix of body odors I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. I at first though someone had broken a sink bomb on our floor, only to find it was really the stink bomb of manhood. You see, I had always know on some level that in certain specific scenarios guys smell bad, as a high school athlete, I couldn't help but be mugged by the odors of the locker room on a daily basis. But I had no idea that this was actually the general state of maleness. While in college, I now try to avoid other guy’s rooms because I found very odd and disturbing odors wafting out their doorways. But it seems that recently, an "open door" policy has began, as most of the guys now leave their doors open for most of the day as they and their roommate’s go in and out. This may make the area friendlier as we tend to talk, mix, and mingle more, it makes the hallway a venerable war zone of nasal nastiness as each rooms distinctive and uniquely putrid aromas likewise mix and mingle till they gain strength in numbers and begin to duke it out against the now 3 month unchanged glade plug-in which was our halls first, last, and only line of defence
Upon complaining of this unholy situation to many of my female friends, they matter-of-factly responded, "Of course, it's a guys hall." I couldn't help but have my chin drop. Apparently I was the only one bothered by this recent development. The fact that guy’s smell was not the secret that we males seem to pretend it is. Every day we shower (though you couldn't tell by the smell of it), soap, shave, aftershave, and just generally pretty ourselves up... all in some vain dual lived Clark Kent/superman situation where we hope that the secret identity of our stinky selves will be kept secret from those we try to get closest to. When actually, they've know about our second nature all along! Oh, the twisted webs we weave... you may wonder why smelly guys bother me, since I am a guy. Well, because there are a few of us who actually care and spend a little bit of effort trying not to smell, we haven't given our nasal system the chance to build up an immunity to the stinging breath of Satan you call B.O. My window is always open, fan on, and scented candles at the ready to ensure that my room smells as much like a fresh ocean breeze as possible. So, because of my consideration for any visitors, friends, and other hall mates, I have to hold my breath as I sprint from the doorway, eyes watering, to the relative safety of my little slice of home and hope that I don't accidentally take a breath and pass out on the way. I wonder now how girls make it in our halls and rooms as frequently as they do, and I have a hypothesis whereby they coat themselves in a smell-protective feminine bubble of peach body lotion and designer perfume, which acts as a temporary shield/filter which makes our otherwise fatal atmosphere breathable. Tests are currently being conducted to verify.